ESTJ and INTJ relationships are asymmetric relationships of unequal power. TypeMatch assigns this pair a low compatibility rating in the free TypeMatch dating and friendship app based on personality type. Below we explain the dynamics of this relationship and why it is so difficult to maintain.
In an ESTJ and INTJ relationship, one person is the “supervisor” and the other is the “supervisee”. The supervisor (INTJ in this case) takes the role of monitoring the supervisee (ESTJ) and pays attention to their mistakes and weak points. So, the relationship develops an asymmetric quality because the first person holds greater power to judge the other. Each personality type has a relationship pairing where they play the role of the supervisor and the supervisee, so it’s not exclusive to ESTJ and INTJ. In this particular relationship, the INTJ has the upper hand and seems to hold all the cards. The ESTJ wants to earn the INTJs recognition and praise, but the INTJ constantly underestimates the ESTJ. In the ESTJ’s attempts to prove themselves, the INTJ finds faults and feels the need to correct them. Over time, tensions and stress develop as one person always feels watched and judged. The supervisor feels that they waste their time and advice as the supervisee just doesn’t get it.
ESTJs and INTJs interest but do not understand each other. So, they find they must constantly translate what the other into their own language. This makes both of them feel misunderstood and stressed as the message isn’t interpreted correctly. The supervisor corrects by pointing out flaws in the other’s arguments or in ways of thinking and doing things. What seems like a harmless remark to the supervisor is taken as harsh criticism to the supervisee. The supervisor hits the supervisee’s greatest weaknesses and vulnerabilities and makes them feel defensive, self-conscious, and apologetic.
With ESTJs and INTJs, one feels like they have to watch every word and move they make. The ESTJ feels vulnerable to attacks and unable to defend themselves. Nothing they do feels like it’s good enough and their self-esteem suffers. Contrastingly, the INTJ views the ESTJ as too sensitive and doesn’t understand their perspective. The supervisee feels the effects of being watched and judged and feels exhausted by trying to hide. They feel cannot open up or be themselves in front of the other without facing criticism. As a result, the relationship between an ESTJ and INTJ is unbalanced and unequal because only one has the ability to push the other’s buttons. Ultimately, both feel tired and unappreciated.
When it comes to dating and relationships, INTJs are notoriously hard to read and elusive. If you’re dating or trying to date an INTJ, download our guide with our top 20 pieces of practical advice for dating an INTJ. INTJ Dating Guide
In an attempt to change the power dynamics in the relationship, the supervisee (ESTJ) takes note of all of the supervisor’s (INTJ) mistakes to prove that they are not so great. There is an attempt to expose the supervisor as inconsistent and take little stabs at them. However, the supervisor remains unaffected by the attempt and views them as pathetic. The ESTJ feels bullied but has a hard time speaking up to the INTJ about how they feel for fear of rejection. So, the supervisee talks bad about the supervisor behind their back to their friends and paints a negative picture of them to others. The supervisee does not realize that the supervisor is not so critical with everyone else. To the INTJ, it feels like the ESTJ is exaggerating and being dramatic. Usually, they keep their feelings hidden, forgive each other, and hope to try again later- repeating the cycle.
ESTJ and INTJ relationships are severely damaging, especially as spouses and close family members. They can manage with enough distance, but drain each other’s energy when living together. Since one dominates in the other’s weakest area, the other does not have a chance to shine. As a result, this relationship pairing hold them back. They cannot realize their strengths and spend their life overcompensating after years of criticism for their downfalls. ESTJs and INTJs create problems for each other but not to an equal extent. Commonly, the supervisee develops disorders (often psychological) as a manifestation of the stress they experience and it has a deteriorating effect on their health. However, while it would be best for them to distance themselves from each other, ESTJ and INTJ pairs are unlikely to do so. The supervisor thinks that the supervisee needs them to survive and so cannot abandon them. Alternatively, the supervisee does not think the supervisor is a bad person, just picky and quirky.
Moreover, in ESTJ and INTJ relationships, the supervisor sees that the supervisee has potential but that it’s being wasted because they’re lacking in some key areas. They want to teach the supervisee how to be better (from their perspective), but the help and advice are rejected. ESTJs and INTJs waste their own time hoping that the other one will finally see their way and change. Sometimes, the supervisor tries to use encouragement with the other but even this is met with suspicion. In close contact, ESTJs and INTJs test each other by being picky and demanding. They end up annoying each other a great deal as they exaggerate each other’s weaknesses. They only come together to work in a few chosen areas where they respect each other’s competence enough to take advice.
In terms of external problems, ESTJ and INTJ couples can help each other since they have different strengths and weaknesses. From the outside, they can appear like friends where one looks out for the other. However, to the supervisor, it seems the supervisee would be totally lost and helpless without them. The supervisor cannot understand this helpless reliance on them and sometimes feels superior and in control. There does exist a desire to take care of the other and protect them from a place of pity.
ESTJ and INTJ relationships are difficult in the long term even if both people are mature and well developed in their types. However, they can improve the relationship if they accept each other for the way they are and stop trying to fix, change, and criticize each other. The burden lies with the supervisor to take charge of changing the relationship for the better. Overall, they should take plenty of space and establish boundaries. ESTJs and INTJs should remain calm when arguments arise and speak to each other in a way that validates the other’s feelings rather than criticizes.
Remember that all 16 types have a supervisor and supervisee. To every type, a certain type is a bully. Likewise, to every type, a certain type is helpless and needs correction.
Sources:
A.V. Bukalov, G. Boiko, “Why Saddam Hussein made a mistake, or what is Socionics”
Ekaterina Filatova “Art of understanding yourself and others”
Eugene Gorenko, Vladimir Tolstikov, “Nature of self”
I.D. Vaisband, publications on Socionics
Laima Stankevichyute “Intertype relations”
O.B. Slinko, “The key to heart – Socionics”
R.K. Sedih, “Informational psychoanalysis”
Sergei Ganin
Valentina Meged, Anatoly Ovcharov
V.V. Gulenko “Criteria of reciprocity”
V.V. Gulenko, A.V. Molodtsev, “Introduction to socionics”