ENFJ and INTJ Relationship

Are ENFJ and INTJ Relationships Compatible?

ENFJ and INTJ relationships are asymmetric relationships of unequal power. TypeMatch assigns this pair a low compatibility rating in the free TypeMatch dating and friendship app based on personality type. Below we explain the dynamics of this relationship and why it is so difficult to maintain.

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ENFJ and INTJ Relationship Power Dynamics

In an ENFJ and INTJ relationship, one person is the “supervisor” and the other is the “supervisee”. The supervisor (ENFJ in this case) takes the role of monitoring the supervisee (INTJ) and pays attention to their mistakes and weak points. So, the relationship develops an asymmetric quality because the first person holds greater power to judge the other. Each personality type has a relationship pairing where they play the role of the supervisor and the supervisee, so it’s not exclusive to ENFJ and INTJ. In this particular relationship, the ENFJ has the upper hand and seems to hold all the cards. The INTJ wants to earn the ENFJs recognition and praise, but the ENFJ constantly underestimates the INTJ. In the INTJ’s attempts to prove themselves, the ENFJ finds faults and feels the need to correct them. Over time, tensions and stress develop as one person always feels watched and judged. The supervisor feels that they waste their time and advice as the supervisee just doesn’t get it.

Issues of Communication and Criticism

ENFJs and INTJs interest but do not understand each other. So, they find they must constantly translate what the other into their own language. This makes both of them feel misunderstood and stressed as the message isn’t interpreted correctly. The supervisor corrects by pointing out flaws in the other’s arguments or in ways of thinking and doing things. What seems like a harmless remark to the supervisor is taken as harsh criticism to the supervisee. The supervisor hits the supervisee’s greatest weaknesses and vulnerabilities and makes them feel defensive, self-conscious, and apologetic.

With ENFJs and INTJs, one feels like they have to watch every word and move they make. The INTJ feels vulnerable to attacks and unable to defend themselves. Nothing they do feels like it’s good enough and their self-esteem suffers. Contrastingly, the ENFJ views the INTJ as too sensitive and doesn’t understand their perspective. The supervisee feels the effects of being watched and judged and feels exhausted by trying to hide. They feel cannot open up or be themselves in front of the other without facing criticism. As a result, the relationship between an ENFJ and INTJ is unbalanced and unequal because only one has the ability to push the other’s buttons. Ultimately, both feel tired and unappreciated.

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Relationship of Pettiness

In an attempt to change the power dynamics in the relationship, the supervisee (INTJ) takes note of all of the supervisor’s (ENFJ) mistakes to prove that they are not so great. There is an attempt to expose the supervisor as inconsistent and take little stabs at them. However, the supervisor remains unaffected by the attempt and views them as pathetic. The INTJ feels bullied but has a hard time speaking up to the ENFJ about how they feel for fear of rejection. So, the supervisee talks bad about the supervisor behind their back to their friends and paints a negative picture of them to others. The supervisee does not realize that the supervisor is not so critical with everyone else. To the ENFJ, it feels like the INTJ is exaggerating and being dramatic. Usually, they keep their feelings hidden, forgive each other, and hope to try again later- repeating the cycle.

ENFJ and INTJ Dangerous Relationships

ENFJ and INTJ relationships are severely damaging, especially as spouses and close family members. They can manage with enough distance, but drain each other’s energy when living together. Since one dominates in the other’s weakest area, the other does not have a chance to shine. As a result, this relationship pairing hold them back. They cannot realize their strengths and spend their life overcompensating after years of criticism for their downfalls. ENFJs and INTJs create problems for each other but not to an equal extent. Commonly, the supervisee develops disorders (often psychological) as a manifestation of the stress they experience and it has a deteriorating effect on their health. However, while it would be best for them to distance themselves from each other, ENFJ and INTJ pairs are unlikely to do so. The supervisor thinks that the supervisee needs them to survive and so cannot abandon them. Alternatively, the supervisee does not think the supervisor is a bad person, just picky and quirky.

Desire to Improve or Change Each Other

Moreover, in ENFJ and INTJ relationships, the supervisor sees that the supervisee has potential but that it’s being wasted because they’re lacking in some key areas. They want to teach the supervisee how to be better (from their perspective), but the help and advice are rejected. ENFJs and INTJs waste their own time hoping that the other one will finally see their way and change. Sometimes, the supervisor tries to use encouragement with the other but even this is met with suspicion. In close contact, ENFJs and INTJs test each other by being picky and demanding. They end up annoying each other a great deal as they exaggerate each other’s weaknesses. They only come together to work in a few chosen areas where they respect each other’s competence enough to take advice.

Desire to Protect Each Other

In terms of external problems, ENFJ and INTJ couples can help each other since they have different strengths and weaknesses. From the outside, they can appear like friends where one looks out for the other. However, to the supervisor, it seems the supervisee would be totally lost and helpless without them. The supervisor cannot understand this helpless reliance on them and sometimes feels superior and in control. There does exist a desire to take care of the other and protect them from a place of pity.

Advice to Improve the Relationship

ENFJ and INTJ relationships are difficult in the long term even if both people are mature and well developed in their types. However, they can improve the relationship if they accept each other for the way they are and stop trying to fix, change, and criticize each other. The burden lies with the supervisor to take charge of changing the relationship for the better. Overall, they should take plenty of space and establish boundaries. ENFJs and INTJs should remain calm when arguments arise and speak to each other in a way that validates the other’s feelings rather than criticizes.

Remember that all 16 types have a supervisor and supervisee. To every type, a certain type is a bully. Likewise, to every type, a certain type is helpless and needs correction.